back-to-back heartaches

firmly in the rearview, you took off like a runner at the gun into the sun and salt of summer. Your love of bottle blondes tempered by the last few grand disappointments, you found yourself drawn to brunettes with thick curls. You got a taste for musicians and artists, rather than writers; you’re certainly sick of all those pretty words with no backbone.

You love to play the flirt, and you know you're good at it. You smile across the table at a painter whose eyes are your favorite shade of green. You love a clever man, crave the sport of a conversation that runs lightning fast, and he doesn't disappoint. Your brain tingles pleasantly like you've had a light wine. When he reaches for you, you've already met him halfway.

You charm a guitarist whose larger than life on-stage persona folds neatly into the boy next door. It's late on a school night the first time you kiss, back pressed to the brick of a brownstone you could never afford but are enjoying all the same. He towers over you, but he's gentle. He tucks your body neatly into his as you sway with the intensity, creates a soft cage of his arms. Obedient. Eager to please. Eventually you do take him home to piously observe the blues of his eyes and the dimple in his chin up close.

For most of the summer, it seems your better angels missed the turnoff. You bed hop when it suits you, laugh and dance away at the first whiff of something serious. You leave before anyone gets hurt. At least, that's what you tell yourself—the lie that goes down easier than admitting the wreckage of your mangled heart might still be smoking.

There's a tenderness in you still. As you lay on top of the covers with a familiar flame, you twirl her hair around your finger with a little sigh. Your lips are magnetized to the softness of her skin, find purchase again and again upon her forehead. You could live in this moment for hours, but the clock still needs to be fixed. You could start to untangle the ropes you've knotted around your heart, but some part of you still needs to be tied together.

The days are growing shorter. You’re not ready to fall in love yet, but you can’t help but try anyway.